SOAR Through a Family Meeting

Your mom or dad’s health has been declining and you know something needs to be done. But what? And where do you start?

The best place to start is with a family meeting. However, a meeting to discuss how to best handle everything has the potential to build bridges or create divisions among family members.

SOAR is a method that helps family members discuss the issues and offers items to facilitate decisions. This valuable and easy tool provides structure for conducting the family meeting.

SOAR is an acronym for Synchronize, Organize, Analyze, and Recognize.

S = Synchronize

The first step in holding an effective meeting is to get all family members involved, meaning that everyone must be present. Having a clear purpose, a convenient time and location, and an attitude of teamwork motivates people to attend.

Whether or not the loved one participates depends on his or her current medical condition. The loved one has the right to make his or her own medical decisions unless incompetency or dementia interferes.

Ideas for topics include: personal care, finance/bills, transportation, cleaning, groceries/food, legal issues, doctors’ appointments, community resources, safety, emotional support and housing. Discussing everyone’s expectation creates an atmosphere of honesty and a wiliness to listen to each other.

Written communication is vital, so notes should be taken and sent to everyone.

O = Organize

Categorizing is the next step. Who is doing what? What needs to be explored? What deadlines need to be established?

Other good organizational questions to discuss are: What are our options? What do we need to know? What if (fill in the blank) happens? What can each of us contribute? Who else needs to be involved? How will daily schedules, holidays, and emergencies be handled? Talking in advance about difficult situations will lessen future problems and clarify communications.

Emotions may be fragile as sensitive issues are discussed. Remember, organizing provides structure, not ownership. All decisions should be flexible and considerate of all involved.

Designate a note taker to record how tasks are divided. If one person is taking on too many assignments, this will be clear in the written summary. Sometimes it is helpful to have one person in charge as the coordinator, but openness is necessary about this issue.

Talking ahead of time will reduce problems later.

A = Analyze

Coming to consensus on decisions is not always easy. Gaining factual knowledge and recognizing that things will not always run perfectly is a good start. Agree ahead of time that everyone will try to work together and acknowledge that adjustments will have to be made. Analyze and reassess the planning as the situation progresses.

Assess how the skills of family members are being used. Evaluate if all family members have been included. Sometimes in-laws or “significant others” are uncomfortable in participating, not understanding how much they should speak up. They may have wonderful skills to offer.

R = Recognize

Recognize the emotional factors that underlie all family meetings. These meetings can be a powder keg, waiting to explode. Remember, family members will be at different places emotionally.Respect the other person’s right to express feelings, even to say no. If the tension becomes too great, bring in a third party, such as the social worker or a minister, to facilitate the discussion.

Many difficult relationships arise out of misunderstanding and miscommunications. Using effective communication techniques diffuses the potential powder keg of disagreements. The use of “I statements” and empathetic listening are two communication skills that strengthen relationships. “I statements” focus on how the speaker is feeling and does not judge the other person.

Listening with empathy to each person expresses the desire to understand how the other person is feeling. Many times, if a person feels that he or she is heard and someone recognizes their feelings, they are willing to cooperate and help with the problem affecting his or her personal feelings.

The grieving process, with all its emotional stages, is already happening. Give people time to digest what is happening and realize that everyone is dealing with deep emotional turmoil and changing roles. Listening and forgiveness decreases the emotional impact for family members.

Family meetings are an effective means of discussing difficult topics. Instead of a family falling apart due to the tension, misunderstanding, and miscommunication, a family can SOAR. SOARing creates the atmosphere for openness to discuss the full range of topics to best plan for the care of a loved one.

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